By Anurag Shantam
(With R. J. Doucette)
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The Journey Home

In the previous chapter I have focused on the mechanics of the awakening process. Now I will focus on how it feels to wake up – what you will experience internally as the centers awaken.

Unlike modalities that promise a quick fix but fail to provide one, the awakening process will not appeal to your ego. Ego, the false one, forever alien to God’s creation, wants to continue to exist. It seeks to be healed, in order to become more functional in an increasingly dysfunctional world. But ego is detached from reality. It continues to promise that in some illusionary future, through some self-help program or miracle of medicine, you will become happy and secure. Of course this future never comes, and unfulfilled promises become more promises, always to be fulfilled in that elusive future.

The veils are the source of all problems. Remove them and you uncover the perfection that you already are.
The reality is, you are already enlightened. You have always been enlightened, in your centers. The awakening process does not promise to make the ego experience happy and fulfilling. That is impossible. Instead, it teaches you how to remove what is obscuring and separating you from what already exists - your inherent perfection, and enlightenment. The veils are the source of all problems. Remove them and you uncover the perfection that you already are. Perfection is unique to each individual – each being a unique flower in the garden. I cannot describe what this flower will look like. I can only teach you how to remove the false weeds that hide the true you.

Once you begin processing the veils, your internal experience of life starts to change dramatically, even though your outer life will at first appear the same. More energy will move inward to support your awakening, and as you progress, you may find yourself working to balance your inner needs with your responsibilities in the world. As the inner world opens to you, you may find that some worldly activities will begin to seem boring. When your inner world becomes more interesting and real to you than the outside world, these activities will drop very naturally from your life. The key to any of these changes is that you allow them to occur naturally. Do not force anything. Change must happen as a result of your evolving consciousness, rather than as a result of your imposing a condition of should on the process. Allow as much as possible for life to be as it is, rather than as you were taught it should be. This will help you to focus on the reality of now


Once you have entered and begun processing the veils, it will seem at times that they are constantly there. They are constantly there, and they always have been. The only difference is that you now understand what ego was hiding from you – what ego was distracting you from. Having entered the fear and pain veils, it is imperative to remember ‘it is only a sensation, an uncomfortable physical sensation’. In watching the sensation you detach not only from it, but from the fearful or painful thoughts being generated by it. The inner experience is now one of feeling that existence is being hard on you, punishing you. But if you reflect, you will see that whatever fear or pain state you now find yourself in, is nearly identical to what you have experienced all your life. The difference is that instead of using your energy to run from the reality of what you are feeling, you are confronting it, clearing it, and reclaiming your life from it.

Parts of the inner you have been through many experiences over the course of lifetimes, and once the ego darkness of the veils is dissolved, these parts of you will begin to remember, and to know certain transcendent truths.
Clearing the fear and pain veils is the most difficult passage of awakening, for until they have been processed, you will have no clear centers from which to look. All is dark, illusion within illusion. Trust and faith are what will see you through this first and most important passage. There will be difficulties and challenges to follow, but with the awakening of Soul and Spirit, you not only begin to see clearly, you will begin to know.

Parts of the inner you have been through many experiences over the course of lifetimes, and once the ego darkness of the veils is dissolved, these parts of you will begin to remember, and to know certain transcendent truths. You will be amazed at what will emerge into consciousness - things you simply know, and know absolutely. It will initially startle you that you could know such things, and with such certainty - things that you haven’t studied, memorized, or been examined on. You may feel unworthy, as if you have no right to know what you now do – that you do not have the credentials which are the requirement of knowledge in the ego world. And yet, you now know that certain things are true.

As your awakening proceeds, you will become familiar and comfortable with these knowings that are percolating into consciousness - many times mysteriously appearing at the exact time you need them. What begins as something mysterious, and to many as something disconcerting, will become familiar and commonplace. It makes sense. Everything that has ever been known by your God or other Gods is hidden in consciousness, under layers of ego confusion and darkness. Remove the confusing darkness, and what was once known, again becomes available. In fact, as these knowings begin to appear, you may experience a simultaneous feeling that ‘I have always known this’. You are correct, for whatever is known was always known, simply forgotten in the ego sleep.

As you move into the awakening process, more and more you will speak your truth. And then you will better understand what I mean when I say that most people do not want to hear it.
Perhaps you will become increasingly aware of the falseness of ego – of the falseness of you. Ego has been telling you that life is wonderful, even though your marriage may be falling apart, or your child may be taking drugs. Instead of accepting what ego has been saying, and what you have been parroting to others, you will become aware of the falseness – not only of your words, but of the false façade that is your life. You will become more truthful as you awaken. Though this is inevitable, you may find it more convenient to give the lie that others expect, for you must still live and function in the ego world, where truth is the last thing people want to hear. The importance to you in terms of your awakening, is that now you know it is a lie – a falseness. Though I am not trying to condone lying, I am giving you permission to make a difficult path as easy as possible. As you move into the awakening process, more and more you will speak your truth. And then you will better understand what I mean when I say that most people do not want to hear it. By then though, you will be strong and wise enough to understand.

In the beginning, it is enough to recognize that the façade of falseness is the ego structure. Be aware of it. To recognize the falseness does not require you to change it. To see it is enough, for once you begin to see the false patterns, your energy will automatically start to withdraw, and these patterns will begin to dissolve. If you struggle tofix the ego patterns you will waste your energy, for you will only create new and more sophisticated patterns that will have to be cleared later on. To work through the ego structure and patterns you must move inward, becoming aware of layer after layer of falseness and clearing each one. In doing so you move your awareness, your light, towards your center, and the true you. The ego structure has no center. There is no there there. What passes for centers in the ego are simply constellations of patterning. A button is pushed, and a predictable response is automatically triggered. After you have awakened, each unique moment elicits a unique response. Ego cannot exist in the moment – therefore, each unique moment elicits a patterned response that is completely disconnected from the reality of the moment.

As your awareness of the false ego façade grows, you may find yourself slipping into a sort of spiritual crisis. The person you thought you were, is revealed as false. Inevitably, you will ask yourself - “Who am I?” During the awakening process, you are the one who is separating from, observing, and becoming aware of the false ego facade and patterns. The ego structure is inherently unstable, and seems to become more so as you awaken – particularly after you begin dissolving the veils, from which it gets its strength. Under stress, the false ego centers will begin to fail, drawing you into earlier and less sophisticated ego patterns. As you struggle to return from these early ego patterns to an adult, more sophisticated ego layer, you may feel at times as if you are ‘losing it”. I am describing a state you already know – cycling between adult and childish behaviors. The only difference as you awaken will be your growing awareness of the falseness of all the ego layers that you encounter, and your growing strength and wisdom as the light of consciousness is returned to you.

With this growing awareness, the old patterns will begin to dissolve. Recognized for what they are, your support of these patterns will be automatically withdrawn – no effort required. You cease to support what is making your life miserable. As you move inward from the periphery, you will come closer not only to your true centers, but also to the veils surrounding them. Inevitably, you will start being pulled into the veils themselves. Be alert. If you begin to feel depressed or panicky, it is time to process the veils. Find the physical sensations, detach and watch them, and dissolve the veils by withholding your energy from them. Once you begin processing the veils, you will be working to dissolve ego from the center as well as from the periphery. Using the analogy of a noxious weed, you will be withholding nourishment from the roots, even as you hack away at the plant growing from them.

The more complex and sophisticated ego is, the more mechanical and dead you will feel, for all your aliveness is being consumed to support your ego.
At times you may wonder if you are going mad. That has already happened, for ego is the only madness within you. The difference is one of intensity, for as you awaken and experience the ego thought and behavior patterns, you experience them more intensely. The reason for this is that the entire ego, from its roots (the veils) to its structure (the patterns) requires energy to support, sustain, and give it the appearance of life. It is basically dead. The more complex and sophisticated ego is, the more mechanical and dead you will feel, for all your aliveness is being consumed to support your ego. As you awaken – as ego dissolves – consciousness or light is freed up and returned to you, the one who is now aware. During the awakening process, the light or consciousness that is you, increases in strength and intensity, enabling you to see more, and more clearly.

It is the difference between shining a flashlight first with weak batteries and then with strong batteries into a dark room. With weak batteries, objects in the room are visible, but not clear. Colors appear grey and flat rather than bright and textured. With new batteries, objects are clearer, and colors and textures stand out. The closer you come to your center, the brighter the light of your awareness. The brighter your light, the more you will see. Everything will become more intense as you move inward. You will encounter the same old ego patterning, and you will experience the same sensations in the veils – but the quality of your light, your awareness, changes. That is why the inner experience becomes more intense as you approach your true centers.

Once you have begun processing the veils, light – however dim it may be in the beginning - starts to dawn. It does not dawn though, in the way you expect. In the ego experience, you create a series of ego identities, one layered on top of another. The experience of me is a false identity, but an identity nonetheless. As you awaken, you expect a new identity to emerge – a special, spiritual identity – and it probably will … several times. But even as you grow comfortable in this new identity, it too will begin to dissolve. You do not undergo the process of awakening to create a new perfect identity, but to remove the false identities you have assumed, and Existence will not be supporting new identities, no matter how spiritual or holy they are. So - absent a new identity, how will you know the process is working? How will you know that you are indeed awakening?

You will know it by an absence. As the veils dissolve, so do the ego patterning and hot buttons attached to them. Now, when a familiar hot button is pushed, by chance or by intent, you will find that you are no longer plugged into old defensive or offensive patterns. You will notice the absence of pain when someone tries to hurt you – the absence of fear when someone tries to scare you. When this begins to happen, you are on the way home.

As your awakening deepens, you will become increasingly aware of a sense of coming home, of returning to yourself.
By awakening, you are returning to a state of naturalness – a state of you. As you awaken, you will begin to feel more and more ordinary, more comfortable in your own body, and more and more like you. Labels that you have relied on in the past to define yourself, start to disappear. Even when you are distracted, looking for some new identity, you are appearing. You don’t notice what is happening because it feels so natural and ordinary. As your awakening deepens, you will become increasingly aware of a sense of coming home, of returning to yourself. Your thoughts will be along these lines – ‘I may not know yet who me is, but I feel more and more like who I really am – like who I have always been.’

As the veils dissolve, you will begin to slip into your true centers. After processing intense pain sensations, you will find yourself in your Soul center. There you will feel and become pure love. After processing the fear veil you will find yourself in your Spirit center, trusting the world, and tasting pure clear awareness. These states are transitory, as what remains of the veils draws you back into ego darkness. After having experienced the light of you, this ego darkness will seem blacker than ever, though it is not. It is merely the contrast between the light of you and the darkness of the ego. The experience of slipping into your centers will give you a sense of reward, and will stiffen your resolve to stay the course until you are fully awakened.

As old ego patterns dissolve, you may become dissatisfied with those around you who are not awakening. As you change, you will find it harder to be with them, for they will continue to interact with you only through the old familiar patterns. As you become more real, and desire to connect with something real in them, you will find that maintaining these ego connections will seem increasingly boring, unfulfilling, and even draining.

For their part, it will seem to them that you are becoming increasingly distant and disconnected from them. They may turn strange or hostile towards you, as their own patterns of abandonment are triggered. If you encounter this behavior, you may attempt to do something about it, particularly if your Soul loves the other person. If you try explaining what is happening, they will misinterpret or misunderstand, for unless they too are awakening, they cannot understand.

As your awakening deepens, especially after the fear and pain veils are cleared, these people will become more frustrated and perplexed with you. For once Soul is liberated, she will not be connected to anyone’s pain again, even that of a loved one. Awakened, Soul knows absolutely the nature of the pain, and she will never again want to connect with it. Even when another that is dear to her wants her to respond with love and attention when it is in pain, she will be unwilling to feed the pain tormenting that other soul - particularly one that she loves. If your Soul does not respond to another’s pain the way it should, you will see that other person’s angry God emerge to blame and punish you. It is the same for Spirit. Once awakened, he will not respond to someone else’s fear, as he did in the past. For once clear, Spirit knows the nature of fear, and will not connect to or support another’s fear. You will find yourself in detached awareness, as Spirit either attempts to help the other understand the nature of the veil, or else simply waits, detached, until the drama has run its course.

In either case, if the other person is neither aware nor awakening, you will seem to them to be cold, heartless, and insensitive. But by the time this begins to happen, you will be well enough along in the process to value your Soul and Spirit more than the ego judgments directed to you.

As you dissolve the veils, you will notice an increased sensitivity to the thoughts and feelings of others.
As you dissolve the veils, you will notice an increased sensitivity to the thoughts and feelings of others. You are not becoming more sensitive. You are just removing walls of insensitivity that are the veils. When you are in the pain veil you will feel very sensitive, for you will be in your most sensitive center – Soul. You will notice that the pain veil also feels like a wall. Soul is sensitive to this wall of pain, but insensitive to the world beyond it. If you observe some other Soul lost in the pain veil, you will see that they will not be present to their surroundings. A Soul lost in the pain is no longer in the world – no longer in reality. She is present, sensitive, to the veil, which makes her absent or insensitive to reality - the world around her.

As the pain veil is dissolved, the sensitivity that is Soul begins to feel and interact directly with the environment. As this occurs, she sometimes experiences herself reeling, as though being assaulted by the energy surrounding her. She begins to feel what the rest of the natural world feels in the presence of ego energy - assaulted and drained. The feeling is one of wanting to crawl out of your skin. When this happens, know it is your Soul screaming to remove her from a particular environment. When possible, do so. When impossible, at least acknowledge to Soul that you have heard her. She will understand if it is impossible to remove her immediately. She will be fine. But once she enters the newness of the awakened state, it will take a while for her to get her bearings - to move in and through the ego world with minimal damage.

Awakened from her long experience of shoulds, Soul will continue to try to be present to people and situations the way she was taught that she should be. She needs to understand that she has moved beyond the world of shoulds and into the world of freedom. In her liberated state, the only should for Soul is to be present when it feels good to be present, and to disappear when it feels bad. There is no doing to this. It is a simple recognition that if an environment or situation doesn’t feel good to be in, she no longer has to remain in it. And with that recognition, she disappears.

If Soul disappears, you will instantly shift centers, moving into either Spirit or God. In either case, since both are masculine and detached, you will automatically disconnect from the energy around you. Over time, this all happens automatically. Soon you will find yourself smoothly shifting to Spirit or God the moment you enter the world. You will move through the world with a quality of detachment. Soul will appear to certain people at certain times, when she will be appreciated, not ravaged or drained. Spirit will protect her by moving forward in consciousness, whenever a situation is uncomfortable or injurious to her. She will no longer play the role of sacrificial lamb to all the angry Gods looking for a convenient receptacle for their toxicity. Her days of being sacrificed to the ego beast are over forever.

As the veils dissolve, the ego chatter being generated by the veils begins to dissolve, and gaps of silence start appearing. Because you are used to focusing on a stream of continuous chatter, these gaps will be hard to discern at first. Initially, you will become aware of them after the fact. You will think, “what just happened?” In other words, you will initially become aware of a gap in the stream of chatter only after the fact. These gaps are pure awareness, places in which there is no object to focus on. Because you identify with your thoughts, when a break in the continuous stream of inner chatter appears, you will likely feel as if you have disappeared. In fact, the exact opposite is happening. You are beginning to appear – aware.

These gaps are very important, for they are the beginning of silence, peace, and freedom from the constant mindless noise that is the ego experience. The silence in the gaps is initially very delicate, and it is tricky to hold your awareness in the silence without disturbing it with the thought “I’m in the gap”. Nonetheless, it is important to recognize the appearance of gaps in the continuous ego chatter, then to become aware of the silence in the gap without disturbing it. You must cultivate an awareness of silence, rather than a thought of silence. Once you are able to be aware in the silence of the gap without disturbing it with a thought, then the gap, the silence, will begin to expand. You will begin to experience consciousness as a vast sky with clouds (thoughts) floating by, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes light and airy, sometimes dark and heavy. Sometimes your sky will be clear and silent, sometimes overcast or stormy. But whatever the nature of the clouds, you are becoming more and more identified with the sky, less and less identified with the thoughts floating by.

As your awakening deepens, the silence within will deepen. More and more, thoughts will be there when you need them to cognate experience and to conceptualize. In other words, when you need to think, your mind will be there. When you don’t need to think, there will be silence. This is the beginning of using your mind, rather than being used by it.

After the removal of the pain and fear veils, a space of your own becomes important. You will need a place where your Soul can be alone.
After the removal of the pain and fear veils, a space of your own becomes important. You will need a place where your Soul can be alone. She will need periods where she can relax, whether in silence, in front of the television, or curled up with a book – whatever works for your Soul. What I am trying to describe, is a process of centering, rebalancing and rejuvenation.

Reflect on the times you return home from the office, wanting only to relax and unwind. You are short tempered with your spouse and children, internally screaming I need time to be alone. This is your Soul making known her need for time and space in which to center and rejuvenate. After the awakening of both Soul and Spirit, this need becomes more urgent. If you do not pay attention, if you do not honor and provide for Soul’s need, you will find a cranky God emerging to demand it. Of course, if the anger veil has not yet cleared, you will find the emergence of your angry God very effective in clearing away whatever it is disturbing Soul’s ability to relax and simply be. However, you are then stuck in an angry God, whose presence disallows the very being-ness He was trying to enable.

After the Soul and Spirit awakening, one way or another you will learn to take care of your Soul, for the more you care for her, the more you will feel taken care of.
Every situation, like every awakening, is unique. You will somehow provide for time and space for your soul to quietly be. You will quickly learn that if you do not nourish and provide Soul’s needs, your emotional and mental states will suffer. Remember, Soul is the very root of your growing tree. The strength and stability of the entire tree is dependent on the strength and stability of its roots. After the Soul and Spirit awakening, in one way or another you will learn to take care of your Soul, for the more you care for her, the more you will feel taken care of.

With the removal of the pain and fear veils, very profound changes start to happen within. To understand these changes, you will need to understand the nature of energy. Energy flows. In the ego state it flows into the veils – love energy flows into the pain veil, trust energy flows into the fear veil. In the ego state, you neither love nor trust yourself. You cannot love self, for love is not flowing to self, but into a wall separating self from self. You cannot trust self, for trust is flowing into a wall separating self from self.

With the removal of these two veils, everything changes. For love, once liberated, has to flow somewhere, and it begins to flow to Spirit. The Spirit self begins to feel loved. For the first time, you really know what it means to love oneself - not ego narcissistic love, but the real thing. For the love which is being generated in your feminine Soul center, is now naturally moving to your masculine Spirit center. In your Soul center you feel love being generated, and in your Spirit center you feel love being received. Once this begins to happen, you will never again enter a relationship a beggar, for once love begins moving within, your Soul and Spirit - your feminine and masculine centers - have entered a love affair.

You will no longer enter external relationships from a place of emptiness or neediness. If you now enter a relationship with someone who has not awakened, you will encounter the subtle, enslaving patterns of ego and ego relationships. But having once tasted freedom, your soul and spirit will not readily exchange it for slavery, however cleverly disguised.

Spirit trusts Soul who had never been trusted. Soul loves Spirit, who had longed to be loved. The beautiful twins, isolated and turned against each other by the ego separation, are once again reunited.
Having liberated Spirit you have also liberated trust, another energy that seeks to flow. After a lifetime of fearing love, of fearing Soul, something new begins to happen. That liberated trust begins to flow to Soul, masculine to feminine. You become aware that you trust yourself as you never have before. Soul, the place where you never felt trusted, becomes the recipient of trust, and you now find that you trust yourself completely. The circuit is complete. Spirit trusts Soul who had never been trusted. Soul loves Spirit, who had longed to be loved. The beautiful twins, isolated and turned against each other by the ego separation, are once again reunited. They begin to merge - masculine into feminine, feminine into masculine – consummating the first alchemical marriage. A sense of unity and wholeness begins to emerge. Everything leading up to the lifting of these two veils is work, but the passage through your dark night of the Soul is now complete.

As these two centers merge and harmonize, you are laying the stable foundation to support the awakening of God. You begin to move from the human dimension of consciousness into the cosmic, the divine. While it seems to suggest a sequential progression – Soul Spirit God - awakening does not happen in a linear fashion. You will be likely dealing with your God center even while clearing the Soul / Spirit veils, but during the Soul / Spirit passage the focus will be on the pain and fear veils. As these are cleared, the focus moves to God.

Eden to God Consciousness

As you move into the awakening of God, the focus of awareness will shift slowly from Soul / Spirit, to God and His anger. It will seem like a spotlight is being focused on God, a light of increasing intensity. Soul and Spirit, now safe, begin to fade into the background. As they do, you will find yourself more and more often in your God center, heavy and serious. The light playfulness of Spirit will seem less and less present. The tender delicacy of Soul will seem to fade into memory. You will miss them, but trust that they will be there to welcome God as He emerges from His long, dark nightmare. The beautiful children of God, Spirit and Soul, will simply hide until the storm of God’s awakening has passed.

Although fragments of the pain and fear veils will continue to percolate into consciousness as you move into your God center, a simple glance will now be sufficient to dissolve them. After the passage through the pain and fear veils is complete, you will be looking forward to a respite from processing, a period of rest. You will probably have time to stabilize in the newness of Eden Consciousness. Nevertheless, however much time existence allots you, it will never be enough, for existence has her own schedule. But God holds the will, and He will not be anxious to surrender it. This is the underlying theme of the passage to God Consciousness … the surrender of God’s will to the flow of existence. True to its nature, anger will constantly distract God. But as the anger veil dissolves, God will become more and more aware that He was basically angry at existence because the whole of existence would not bend to His will. As He awakens, God becomes aware of the lunacy of it all, of 6 billion angry Gods all demanding that existence bend to their individual distorted wills. Even then, anger will continue to battle, to struggle, to control that which is beyond the ability of any individual God to control.

After the Soul / Spirit passage, you have two clear centers of consciousness through which you can see again, and whatever you see through them, God also sees.
If you have spent lot of time in your angry God center – resentful, angry, and attempting to control everyone around you – you will now begin to see what you are doing. Before the Soul / Spirit awakening, this was almost impossible to do, for you were blinded in all three centers by the veils. After the Soul / Spirit passage, you have two clear centers of consciousness through which you can see again, and whatever you see through them, God also sees. The best way to describe this part of the process is that you begin to see and feel what others have always seen and felt when in the presence of your angry, vengeful God.

Not knowing your God and His ego patterning, I cannot predict what He will begin to see, only that He probably won’t like what is revealed to Him. God is the place of pride, whether hidden or embraced. When He begins to see how anger transforms Him, feel how ugly anger makes Him, see how mean, self-righteous and arrogant He becomes when controlled by anger, He will not like what He sees. The experience is one of being caught in the anger, while simultaneously standing outside of it, witnessing it. This is the key to the awakening of God, for like previous veils, the key to dissolving the anger veil is to detach from it. However, there is no sensation to focus on, to detach and watch. But with two centers clear, God is able to see what anger has done to His intelligence, creativity and truth. In the seeing, His energy begins to be withdrawn from the anger veil, and the veil begins to dissolve.

The goal for God is to leave the divided world of good and evil created by the anger veil, and enter the world of “is-ness”, the world of peace.
At times during the awakening of God, He may feel as if He is battling some beast within, and of course he is – an illusionary beast of His own creation. The Warrior is one of the many masks of God, and it is unlikely that your God will get through this passage without encountering His warrior past. He is also likely to pass through the masks of the Leader, Mentor, or Priest. Whatever masks or identities your God has cultivated over countless lifetimes will in some way be experienced during this passage. Do not become attached to any identities or masks that you encounter. Remain focused on the anger, and the masks will fall away. The goal for God is to leave the divided world of good and evil created by the anger veil, and enter the world of “is-ness”, the world of peace. As the anger veil dissolves, God begins to glimpse peace. As He experiences it, His determination will be renewed to be done with the constant conflict and angst created by the ego anger.

With the dissolving of the anger veil, God comes back to His senses, and everything that preceded His awakening will seem more and more like a dream. Tasting more and more of the clarity and silence of the now, God will be anxious to make up for lost time, and to act. Grand ideas and schemes will arise, and He will be anxious to get on with life and do great things in the world. He may initiate projects, only to find them fizzling out, as though existence is not supporting Him. In all likelihood He will be right, and what remains of His anger will tend to be more clearly directed towards the world. If God has not yet realized what has been happening, it will now become apparent – He has been fighting a holy war with existence - with nature - with the Mother. Existence has been responding the way any mother responds to the father’s anger – with cold indifference. This indifference will, later on, be revealed as yet another veil – the Mother or Serpent veil. However, during God’s awakening, He will not know this. All God will know is that He has done a lot of work waking up, and existence should be rewarding Him with success, riches and abundance. Existence should support His schemes and creativity. But all He receives is this cold indifference.

Perhaps in the past, God has been able to assert His will and overcome all obstacles to achieve success. Now though, He lacks the will to push His plans through to attainment. In dissolving the anger, God has also dissolved His individual will. Suffice it to say, the passage to God Consciousness is not without its frustrations. The powerful creative force that is God, is anxious to “do” things, but God has less and less will to impose upon creation – upon the flow of existence. His internal struggle is between what remains of the ego, struggling to hold on and keep things as they have been, and a peace that beckons Him to relax and let the river carry Him to the sea.

One of the great lessons God must learn as He awakens, is patience. Patience, not indifference, is the message of existence. God will be struggling with the spiritual adage “thy will, not my will, be done”. If one were to apply an attribute to existence, it would be flow, not will. Will belongs to God. But because it is the God center now awakening, we perceive what is happening as a struggle of wills - the will of God vs. the will (or flow) of existence. God has come far, but the ego in its death throes, will continue to fight and struggle. Nevertheless, at this point the end of ego is only a matter of time. Hence the need for patience.

The ancient journey is coming to its end, but before God can slip into the arms of existence, the ocean of bliss from whence He came, God must first come to a point of stillness. God was born out of the silence and stillness, and to return home, to complete the circle, He must return to that place of stillness. It is not about God becoming inactive, but about God mastering stillness. Only in stillness will He slip back into the ocean. Then the ocean, the whole of existence, will begin to move through God, and He will become active again, even though no longer doing. He will no longer be struggling with existence – He will be existence itself.

During this passage to God Consciousness, there will be a deepening feeling of aloneness. Like all states encountered on the journey, this aloneness has always been there. Whatever ego patterning you have to deny or run from, it will now begin to emerge. But like all ego patterns at this stage of the journey, these too will fail. They will fail because you are too awake now, and the distracting patterns are too weak to hide the reality of the moment.

It does not matter what your physical reality is – whether you are physically alone during this passage, or in the midst of family and friends. The feeling will be the same – one of being alone in the universe – and this feeling will deepen during the passage. Fear not – for like everything on the journey, the only absolute is change, and this aloneness too will pass. But it will pass only after God has accepted and relaxed into the aloneness, and the final veil has lifted. For in God consciousness, God still is, and God can only exist separate from the whole. The aloneness describes a relationship with existence, and God can only feel alone as long as He is separate from existence. With the dissolving of the final veil, God slips into the ocean of consciousness, becomes existence itself, and the aloneness disappears – revealed as simply part of the illusion of separation.

At this point He sees that both sides of issues are right, and both are wrong, and to choose is to support the conflict and madness that is destroying everything.
As God awakens, He looks into the world more and more clearly. Without the anger veil dividing and distorting perception, He begins to see what is. No longer forced by anger to take sides in the war of good and evil, He begins to see and hear clearly. What He sees is a world of half-truths and lies, deceit and madness. Those around Him who have not awakened will urge Him, as they always have, to side with their views, their truths in the world of good and evil. But awakened, God will now see the truth of both sides of an issue, and will recognize that the issue (whatever it may be) is not the problem, but rather, the anger fueling it. God will be less and less inclined to take anyone’s side in this endless cycle. He will begin living in the middle, no longer supporting or fighting for any side. At this point He sees that both sides of issues are right, and both sides are wrong, and to choose a side is to support the conflict and madness that is destroying everything. More and more, peace beckons to God.

God to Nirvanic Consciousness

While this is all occurring, the final veil begins to appear. This is the Serpent veil, the veil of the Mother. Awareness of this veil does not occur until enough of the anger veil has been dissolved, enough of God is present to see. In the beginning of God’s passage everything seems to be coming up anger, and it feels like you have always been in the anger veil. You always have been. All that has changed is that now you are aware of it. The light of awareness, so long distracted, is now focused within. Now there is no avoiding what is. As the anger veil dissolves, simply through the growing awareness of God, you will reach a point when He becomes aware of the final veil. He begins to notice a sensation in the chest area, which seems to precede and trigger what has become, at this point, intermittent flare-ups of anger. It is a feeling of irritability, a sensation that can be watched and cleared, just as the Soul and Spirit veils were cleared by detached watching.

It is very difficult to attach a label to this veil, so when I suggest that you watch for the feeling of irritability I am only trying to point to the place where one enters the veil. In identifying the sensation of irritability, God enters the veil. Creation scripture describes this veil thusly: “The Serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the lord God had made.” The Serpent veil is subtle, mysterious, and beyond accurate description. The door to the veil is the sensation of irritability in the chest area. Once entered, simply watch the sensation whenever it is present. Look for it when you feel the anger appearing. It will move across the breast area, and can move up and down the center of the chest. It is deep, subtle, and at times grueling.

There is a great temptation to stop in God Consciousness, but you must not. You will find it difficult to live in the world until this veil is cleared.
At times it will seem as though you are following a root of discomfort spiraling deep within. As it clears, the sensation will become more focused in the center of the chest. As you clear this veil you will be rewarded with silence, deepening clarity, and waves of bliss. In the East there is a description of consciousness called samadhi with seed. Samadhi is God Consciousness, and the seed is this veil – the Serpent or Mother veil – the birthplace of the other veils. There is a great temptation to stop in God Consciousness, but you must not. You will find it difficult to live in the world until this veil is cleared.

You can identify when consciousness is lost in this veil, by some of the mental states that it produces. The most common mental state experienced in the veil will usually follow an episode of anger, when you slip into icy coldness and say to yourself, “I don’t care about anything or anyone”. Unlike the uncaring states experienced during the Soul passage, which were personal and related to individuals perceived as responsible for Soul’s pain, when you are in the Mother / Serpent veil your uncaring states are impersonal. They are universal and universally nihilistic. In the Mother / Serpent veil we become aware of and experience bitterness towards life.

Since you will once again be working a masculine / feminine polarity as you move through the Mother veil, you will go from the heat and passion of God’s anger, to the icy death-like grip of the Serpent. Moving more and more into the Mother / Serpent veil, God’s passion seems spent. All that remains is a sense of coldness, disinterest in life, and a feeling of death. Before you become alarmed, remember that at this point you will be awake, already in your enlightenment. Be alert, watch the sensation when present, and patiently await your deliverance.

During this passage through the Mother / Serpent veil you will also notice that you are very sensitive to the energy of others as it moves through their ego veils and is directed at you. Those close to you, particularly those who are near and dear to your Soul will, unless awakened, prove trying. It will seem as if you are picking up their energy – receiving their thoughts. This will make your God cranky. After encounters with these people He will find himself having to watch fear and pain sensations that are not his. He will resent having to clear the toxic energy of others, and yet will feel helpless to protect Himself short of avoiding their company. But this too will prove an imperfect solution, for God will find Himself inundated with pain energy as these people project their hurt feelings upon Him for His absence. This will be followed by the battering energy of their God’s anger, blaming your God for abandoning them.

It is not just the negative thoughts and feelings of others that will bedevil God through the Mother passage. Positive thoughts and desires will also become intrusive. God will experience all of it, both positive and negative, as a disturbance to the delicate peace and silence He is seeking to cultivate. At times it will feel to Him as if those near him are robbing him of the fruits of His labors. Although at times He will feel resentment, without the veil of anger He will be unable to blame.

God needs to be vigilant and alert. Though awake, He still has a cosmic address in time and space, an address where the ego projections of others can still reach Him. This will be particularly true of those whose Soul is still linked in love, for that link will provide a direct energy conduit to you. The Mother / Serpent veil is both that address, and also the screen upon which the thought and image projections of others take form, floating into awareness as one’s own. The experience of receiving these projections from others only adds to God’s feeling of isolation and aloneness. What is perceived by others as withdrawal from the world, is perceived by the awakened God as being driven out of the world by the madness of others.

The Mother / Serpent veil is a bizarre place on the journey, a place where reality seems more fluid, more dreamlike. Simply continue watching the sensations – subtle, dull, and beyond meaning or labels – and as the veil slowly dissolves and the disturbance from without begins to cease, your consciousness will begin to be permeated with bliss.

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