4 mini-interviews on sannyas conditioning: the last round by Ma Nishta
Here we are closing our four-round-game on "sannyas conditioning". This theme seems to be quite provoking, so we are leaving the space open for sharing from your own experience with "sannyas conditioning".
You asked about Osho Conditioning. So I will tell you how it was for me, and what it is to me.
It's a process of gaining awareness by watching. Watching what I feel, think, watching what happens, knowing when I am honest in how I act; that is whether I am authentic with myself or not. It isn't a question of right or wrong as such, but more of seeing and allowing what is there. Risking.
So, the question 'who am I' of my youth and the search for this answer has now become the seeing, and knowing Who I am - not just personality and so on, but the sense of myself - you could say original self, that is beyond that. The search, and unraveling of the true self is what it's about.
My first glimpse of this was an incredible experience for me. This happened the night Osho left his body. I was at the burning ghats. I was standing apart, away from the crowd, ...watching the flames shooting sparks to the sky and disappearing; star bright just overhead. I did not feel a part of what was going on in terms of the people there singing, laughing, crying. I was new to everything.
The night was cold where I stood, away from the blaze of the fire.
Then, out of nowhere something began happening to me, physically. It started at the center of my body, a warmth and what felt like a subtle, high frequency vibration. But very distinct. Like nothing I had ever felt before. I was amazed and wondering What is This? And then it increased in intensity and slowly began to spread out through my body. At first it frightened me. But then I saw it wasn't hurting me and I just went with it. This vibration spread very slowly outward in soft waves through my whole body. I felt as if I was being changed somehow, changed at a cellular level. That's what I thought! That's the thought that came to me, and then I saw, in a very clear vision, my own self. Myself as I had never known me - vibrant, totally alive, joyful, aware, and with amazing dynamic energy. This potential me, was being shown to me. And I heard the words within "the only one stopping you, is yourself. Live totally". These words were alive. Not just words. This was the experience. I felt as if there was no weight to my body yet when I tried to move eventually, I found I could.
Live. Live totally. And I 'saw' what that was, how that looked! Amazing.
I think it was then I took Sannyas, though the name and ceremony came months later. But yes, it was this night with Osho. Something transmitted. This understanding, this seeing.
Life went on. But a self-work of a totally different kind than I had known before had begun.
Before Osho 'conditioning' I know I was operating much more on automatic. Yes, I was thinking and discovering, and feeling (even intensely), but in retrospect it was a closed circuit as it were, compared to the sense of vastness and connectedness that I feel now.
In a way I feel like an explorer, never quite sure what will come up. If I judge what's going on, I watch the judging too but I don't condemn it, or me - I just let it be there. In this way I discover, without rejecting, what is in me. And I have discovered that with seeing, understanding comes, and change if needed follows naturally.
Where to begin but of course with myself because bottom line, that's all I've got. That's where my conditioning lies, and also the truth of myself, the source. Everything is there, all my opinions, desires, fears, ways of getting what I want, conditioning from my parents, from society that I have taken on as my own, and been driven by, even if unconsciously. And I begin to see patterns in my life, in my way of operating.
When I began to watch, I not only began to understand myself more, but others as well. It sounds so self-evident. But in fact, in the process of watching, a tremendous amount happens. For me, Osho conditioning (or more precisely de-conditioning) isn't a magic formula. It's just a being with myself as a watcher, which becomes part of me - a way of being. And it's ongoing.
This is the work of oneself. To look at who you are. To allow your energy to come out. To allow yourself to look at what has hurt you, what you do, have done.... and why. To question everything, in yourself, yet to allow it All at the same time. It is something not to be explained, but to do. It brings you to truth as well as to the true essence of your being. Conscious awareness is a gift to me from Osho. And a gift to myself to allow it.
It's like Osho gave me the sea, it's vastness, its wetness, it's depth, it's beauty - when I had never seen the sea before but just a glass of water. He gave me the vision.
He also told me how to go there. Now it's up to me.
Osho conditioning is to uncondition myself. What's underneath those stifling layers is glorious.
The way? Watch.
Trust. Not in anything, but in Everything.
Then it is not a 'thing' but a being that is beyond the thing.
The journey may not be easy in getting there.
But there is no other reason to be, then to come home to one's true self - in all it's potential.
Live. Live Totally.
Space for sharing
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amano: | Dec 11, 2001 |
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Agar: Surprize | Feb 10, 2002 |
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amano: RE: | Mar 7, 2005 |
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avalon: RE:Surprize | Jun 15, 2007 |
| . . |
Nishkam: RE:Surprize | Jun 15, 2007 |
| . . |
Nishta: RE:Surprize | Jun 15, 2007 |
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